Dear Evy:

promising to live a happy and simpler life in honor of my evelyn

Sweet girl, you have started me down a path. A path that is hard, but a path that I would not change. You connected me to Jesus. Following Jesus is not always easy. It is hard. It is hard to distinguish my own thoughts from His; to truly be obedient and listen to Him. Two years ago, God spoke to me and called me to be a disciple of His. He spoke that truth to me through His words in the Bible. But does He always speak that clear?

Today I’m feeling lost. This whole post is a ramble of my thoughts. It’s not a normal post. It might not flow well, but my thoughts aren’t flowing. What is He specially calling me to do as His disciple? During our last church journey, I felt Adam and I were being called to be prepared. I’m not sure what God has in store for us next, but we want to be able to say yes when we are asked. So these thoughts that are in my head, are they really God’s? Or am I just being impatient and trying to make my own path. Do I just need to be still and then I will get clarity and know. Or is He shouting at me and I’m hesitant to say Yes. Some of the ideas seem crazy and not my own, but that could just be my mind wandering.

I just finished listening to an audio book, Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis. Amazing story of her love to serve Jesus. She is not living like a Christian, but living like Christ. It is amazing at the difference. I know I’m not being called to go to Uganda, but He does call us all to love Him with all our heart and one another. He also calls us to care for the orphans and widows in their distress. She does that. Whole heartily. She has adopted 14 children so that she can show them love, so they can feel their Father’s love. It’s a humbling book to read. These people truly have nothing, but praise God for everything. It puts the wealth we have into such perspective. She said yes. It wasn’t easy. She had to be selfless and turn everything over to God. It was hard. 

I had a friend text me the other day. She has recently accepted Christ in her life and was asking how to respond when someone was questioning God, because she sometimes struggled with these same questions in the past.

My Friend: He said there are things that are happening that make him a believer and things like famine and war and stuff that make him question his faith. What do you say to that?

My response: So just as much as you believe there is a God, there is also a Devil. So there is always a battle. But Jesus wins every time. Yes there is a lot of suffering and brutality. Jesus himself endured suffering tremendously and was brutally beaten to death. But never does God say everything is going to be roses. It’s amazing when you actually start reading the Bible, the real truth is all there. I think Christianity has a misnomer about it and that if you believe, everything will be lovely. Christianity is giving your life, your whole life, over to Him. Do I do this? No, I fail miserably but He gives us so much grace and loves us unconditionally anyways. But he calls us to love everyone, even our enemies. Do we do that? No. That is why there is war. He calls us to look after the widows and feed the poor. Do we do that? No. That is why there is famine. But each person who turns there heart in the direction of Jesus, slowly starts changing the world, one person at a time. God gives us free will, otherwise He would have mini robots. But with free will, war and famine exist.

There are a lot of noes in my answer and not a lot of yeses. I call myself a Christian but can I say I truly love my enemies and that I’m doing everything in my power to feed the poor? What if I could say yes. The more scripture I read and the more people I listen to who have a heart for Jesus, encourages me to slowly keep turning more and more of my life over to Him. It’s all His. My money, my family, my house. And I’m ok with all of that. I just want more direction. Or has He given me direction and I question it? I put it out of my mind because it seems crazy or impossible. When God spoke to me in scripture to be a disciple, it was clear as day. When God had us adopt Elijah, clear as day. But those were easy things to say yes to.

The last two days I have had two different things weigh on my heart. One of those is financial. It’s God’s money so I’m okay with not holding on to it, but is He really asking me to do this, or after listening to Kisses from Katie, I’m just motivated to do more? Luckily I have a husband who may think I’m crazy with these ideas, but always says yes. Evy, if you could tell God to be clearer, I would appreciate it 😉

Second weight, we received word about a young toddler needing a home, through a text message. (I’m starting to think all babies get adopted through test messages?) The tiny boy has some special needs that seem a little overwhelming for us at the moment. He is listed as failure to thrive. Most of the needs should go away after he is shown love and given nourishment.  Oh how I want to wrap my arms about this toddler and show him God’s love. I want to rid him of the label ‘failure to thrive’. But with Adam and I both working outside the home, it seems impossible to give this child the care he needs. It would be hard. Really hard. Does that mean I’m saying no?

There was only one place to get truth spoken to me. I opened the Bible and picked Isaiah. I started with Isaiah 40 and kept reading. I recognized so many quoted verses, but none were really speaking to me until I reached Isaiah 58:6. The heading: Authentic Fasting that Leads to Blessing. (6) Is this not, rather, the fast that I choose: releasing those bound unjustly, untying the thongs of the yoke; Setting free the oppressed, breaking off every yoke? (7) Is it not sharing your bread with the hungry, bringing the afflicted and the homeless into your house; Clothing the naked when you see them, and not turning your back on your own flesh? The cliff notes to that passage say, “Fasting is not genuine without reforming one’s way of life. A true social morality will ensure prosperity.”

This spoke straight to me. After reading Acts with Adam and listening to Kisses from Katie, God calls us to go way past the comfort of our life style. To do the hard. To trust Him fully. He doesn’t say it will be easy, but He does say He will guide us and give us the strength we need. I was taken back to what I had read when I first opened up Isaiah. Isaiah 41 (10)Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you. (13)I will grasp your right hand; Do not fear, I will help you. So help me God. If You are not calling me to these things, let someone else step in. Let my yeses be Your yeses. Speak clear to me. I will continue to listen for You. I will Be Still. Give me guidance oh Lord and let Your will be done.

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