Dear Evy:

Evy, your brother turns one tomorrow.

Oh how I have loved this past year and all the baby snuggles, overwhelming joy, and laughter Frankie has brought. He has been another gift that only God knew we needed. As he goes to sleep as 11 months old and before he wakes as a big one year old, my mind replays how fast the months went. All except for the snippet of time of 10 months old. 10 months was a hard month and I was happy to see him grow and honestly, just live. Getting to live to 11 months was a milestone that allowed me to exhale. Not a normal milestone for most parents, but a significance to this momma’s heart. I would look at Frankie in that month and be overwhelmed with emotion of how did I actually survive Evy’s death. How could I hold her sweet body and say goodbye. How could I wake up day after day for 5 years without her. I felt like I was a different person saying to the me 5 years ago, “I can’t imagine.” Holding Frankie in my arms, feeling his smooth skin and smiling at his little baby rolls left me with “I couldn’t imagine” waking up with him not being in my arms the next morning.

It makes me think of how crushed Jesus’s disciples were when He died. They had put all of their hope and faith into this man who they thought was going to save them. Then they watched him be brutally beaten, suffer, and then die. He was the supposed Savior of the World and now He hung on a cross. Jesus had forewarned his disciples but they didn’t get it. They couldn’t grasp what He was saying. And then after He had risen the veil was lifted and they could see who Jesus really was and that he did indeed conquer death. Thomas had to see it to believe it.

I already know the ending and yet I fall into Thomas’ shoes. Jesus foretells of heaven and that this isn’t our home. Eternity is waiting for us and it is sooo good. Streets paved in gold, no more sickness, beautiful worship, all the angels and saints, but yet it is so hard to grasp. I know that to be true, but yet I sit here and can’t see how she isn’t better off in my arms than in that glorious place. This world seems so broken that I can’t truly imagine heaven. Just like Thomas who wanted to put his hand in Jesus’ side, I want to put one foot into heaven. I want the veil to be lifted and be able to say, “Yes God, now I see and believe in your plan. Now it all makes sense.”

But just as He was faithful to them, I know He is faithful to me. I will put all of my hope in that and continue to trust Him until I do see the glory and ‘aha moment’ for myself. While I should be icing cakes and cupcakes tonight in preparation for our small family gathering of Frankie turning 1, I’d rather reflect on how good God has been with blessing us with Frankie. Him eating a cake tomorrow is not near as sweet as me getting to hold him in my arms for another day and knowing the sweet love of Jesus.