This weekend I was sitting at a birthday party when my friends’ dad received the call that his brother was declining fast. Watching her dad being choked up and hearing the words “moving him to ICU, can’t regulate blood pressure” rang out loud. Flashbacks of Evy appeared fast and furious.Tears started to flow. I was so mad at myself that I couldn’t control my emotions. This wasn’t about me. It was about them and I felt like I was stealing their grief. I had to go sit in the car so that I could cry silently. They needed to be consoled and I couldn’t get it together.
Life has to move on. Everyone else is moving on. I feel people are ready to move on while I’m not. That I shouldn’t be crying so much still. For those that say “time” will heal your pain. You can give me all the time in the world and it will not take away me missing her, or my tears, or my broken heart. I will learn to live with the grief and her absence and maybe not shed so many tears, but while everyone else has to move on, I will be here. Remember that when you think of your child throughout the day, I’m thinking of mine. When you are holding your child’s hand, I’m longing to hold mine. As your child grows and you have to wipe away their tears from time to time, Evy is silently wiping mine. So while a lot of times I’m thinking of the rainbows, the storm did happen so the tears will flow.
Trying to look for the hope. I felt like it was slipping away. So much sorrow and losing loved one before their time. It’s depressing. It’s hard to have hope. My friends’ mom texted me yesterday and told me to pray for her mother-in-law who was grieving that her son died. This is when the moment of hope came. She followed the text with “The cool thing about it all is [the son’s] pastor came up last evening and talked to [him]. He accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior. And today we baptized him with the whole family present and prayed with him – for him and we all prayed together!”
What wonderful news.
Some might say, well why not live the life you want as long as you accept Jesus before you die. Answer: Because you need to be that person praying with the lost soul before he dies. You need to be the guide, the prayer giver, the lover of Jesus so that the sick and dying can look to you. I was lost before Evy passed. I had people who guided me and where there for me when I needed it most. Without them, I would still be lost. Prayers are powerful. Have hope and be that person.
Dear Evy: 