Dear Evy:

promising to live a happy and simpler life in honor of my evelyn

Rainbows during the storm. Missing my daughter.

 

 

This weekend I was sitting at a birthday party when my friends’ dad received the call that his brother was declining fast. Watching her dad being choked up and hearing the words “moving him to ICU, can’t regulate blood pressure” rang out loud. Flashbacks of Evy appeared fast and furious.Tears started to flow. I was so mad at myself that I couldn’t control my emotions. This wasn’t about me. It was about them and I felt like I was stealing their grief. I had to go sit in the car so that I could cry silently. They needed to be consoled and I couldn’t get it together.

Life has to move on. Everyone else is moving on. I feel people are ready to move on while I’m not. That I shouldn’t be crying so much still. For those that say “time” will heal your pain. You can give me all the time in the world and it will not take away me missing her, or my tears, or my broken heart. I will learn to live with the grief and her absence and maybe not shed so many tears, but while everyone else has to move on, I will be here. Remember that when you think of your child throughout the day, I’m thinking of mine. When you are holding your child’s hand, I’m longing to hold mine. As your child grows and you have to wipe away their tears from time to time, Evy is silently wiping mine. So while a lot of times I’m thinking of the rainbows, the storm did happen so the tears will flow.

Trying to look for the hope. I felt like it was slipping away. So much sorrow and losing loved one before their time. It’s depressing. It’s hard to have hope. My friends’ mom texted me yesterday and told me to pray for her mother-in-law who was grieving that her son died. This is when the moment of hope came. She followed the text with “The cool thing about it all is [the son’s] pastor came up last evening and talked to [him]. He accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior. And today we baptized him with the whole family present and prayed with him – for him and we all prayed together!”

What wonderful news.

Some might say, well why not live the life you want as long as you accept Jesus before you die. Answer: Because you need to be that person praying with the lost soul before he dies. You need to be the guide, the prayer giver, the lover of Jesus so that the sick and dying can look to you. I was lost before Evy passed. I had people who guided me and where there for me when I needed it most. Without them, I would still be lost. Prayers are powerful. Have hope and be that person.

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September 29, 2014

Dear Sweet Girl, you have been on my mind all day. Today the organization that we sponsor children through is having their awareness day. They wanted us to take “selfies” with our sponsored child and hashtag it to create more awareness. I was able to take a picture of Ava and her sponsored sister Mariah, …

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There are sometimes when I’m between sleep and awake where my mind will wonder. This instance, in particular, I was thinking of taking your sister to Kings Island. I stood by watching her having so much fun on all the kiddie roller coasters. She had a huge smile on her face. I was smiling watching …

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September 14, 2014

God Wink #5

Hey Kelly? How did the race go today? I found this tiny white feather in my kitchen this morning, no idea where it came from. I don’t know why but it made me think of Evy and her family. I said prayers for them and then blew the feather outside in the backyard. I hope all is well!

– To Kelly from her friend Chris in a text message.

Hmm…Evy’s dove? I think so.

Evy_dove

Evelyn, tonight I went over to help Andrea Brown and her family do last minute prep work for the race. They are working unbelievably hard to put this all together. I couldn’t even imagine all the stress and hours upon hours they have spent to make this event special in honor of their daughter, and …

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All days are hard. Some are just harder than others. The day’s that I cry more than once are the harder. Usually my tears come in the morning, when I’m alone or driving. If I cry throughout the day too, usually it is because of a certain memory or thought of you brings on the …

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