Dear Evy:

promising to live a happy and simpler life in honor of my evelyn

As we are getting the New Baby’s room ready…yes that is the nickname of our expected bundle of joy coined by our 4 year old…we are packing some sentimental belongings of Evelyn’s into a hope chest with Evy’s name inscribed on the lid. Reading through cards, poems, letters and the kindest words, I also came …

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Rainbows during the storm. Missing my daughter.

 

 

This weekend I was sitting at a birthday party when my friends’ dad received the call that his brother was declining fast. Watching her dad being choked up and hearing the words “moving him to ICU, can’t regulate blood pressure” rang out loud. Flashbacks of Evy appeared fast and furious.Tears started to flow. I was so mad at myself that I couldn’t control my emotions. This wasn’t about me. It was about them and I felt like I was stealing their grief. I had to go sit in the car so that I could cry silently. They needed to be consoled and I couldn’t get it together.

Life has to move on. Everyone else is moving on. I feel people are ready to move on while I’m not. That I shouldn’t be crying so much still. For those that say “time” will heal your pain. You can give me all the time in the world and it will not take away me missing her, or my tears, or my broken heart. I will learn to live with the grief and her absence and maybe not shed so many tears, but while everyone else has to move on, I will be here. Remember that when you think of your child throughout the day, I’m thinking of mine. When you are holding your child’s hand, I’m longing to hold mine. As your child grows and you have to wipe away their tears from time to time, Evy is silently wiping mine. So while a lot of times I’m thinking of the rainbows, the storm did happen so the tears will flow.

Trying to look for the hope. I felt like it was slipping away. So much sorrow and losing loved one before their time. It’s depressing. It’s hard to have hope. My friends’ mom texted me yesterday and told me to pray for her mother-in-law who was grieving that her son died. This is when the moment of hope came. She followed the text with “The cool thing about it all is [the son’s] pastor came up last evening and talked to [him]. He accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior. And today we baptized him with the whole family present and prayed with him – for him and we all prayed together!”

What wonderful news.

Some might say, well why not live the life you want as long as you accept Jesus before you die. Answer: Because you need to be that person praying with the lost soul before he dies. You need to be the guide, the prayer giver, the lover of Jesus so that the sick and dying can look to you. I was lost before Evy passed. I had people who guided me and where there for me when I needed it most. Without them, I would still be lost. Prayers are powerful. Have hope and be that person.

September 29, 2014


September 14, 2014

God Wink #5

Hey Kelly? How did the race go today? I found this tiny white feather in my kitchen this morning, no idea where it came from. I don’t know why but it made me think of Evy and her family. I said prayers for them and then blew the feather outside in the backyard. I hope all is well!

– To Kelly from her friend Chris in a text message.

Hmm…Evy’s dove? I think so.

Evy_dove

Our dear friend Rocky was on our list to call in the middle of the night when Evy was sent to heaven. He sat down and wrote this poem about our precious little girl. I cried while reading it, but then actually laughed in the last verse because it says ‘wipe away those tears.’ Well Rocky, you just made me sob while reading it and now you tell me not to cry! The poem is just perfect.

EVY IN HEAVEN

Care free and innocent
Smiling through life
No one could predict
The pain and the strife
Happy and loving
Rarely a fuss
Hold her “face out”
So she can see all of us
Not long for this world
Not even a year
Collectively the heavens
Rained down a tear
With family at her side
Storms rumbled through the night
God called her home
She followed the light
Why does this happen?
This can’t be his plan
She fought all she could
She’s now in His hands
We’re left here with questions
Celebrating her days
It’s so hard to understand
The grace in His ways
She is the lucky one
But it’s so hard to see
She’ll sit by His side
For the rest of eternity
He’ll hold her tight
And make sure she’s fed
Tucked in by the Lord
She’ll sleep sound in her bed
Wipe away those tears
You’ll see her again
She awaits you with smiles
In the Kingdom of Heaven

– Rocky Doller

June 5, 2014

“Good (noon) Sunshine! Went on a good walk this morning and made some new life Evylutions to live by, we love you guys.

We are seeing her and thinking of her in EVERYTHING good…”

– From my good friend Kelly

June 1, 2014

My Promise To You

“My heart and world are shattered. But she was the most happy and simple baby for the 10 months that I was able to cherish her. To be negative about this whole experience would get in the way of all my wonderful memories.Β She was put on this earth for a reason so I am going to try to learn from her and be happy and lead a simpler life in honor of our happy, simple baby. Oh I loved you so so much Evelyn Sarah….”

May 31, 2014