Evelyn, in 2 weeks we will be celebrating the day you were born. We had a party originally planned and I was already picking out a theme because that is what I do. Afterwards, we weren’t sure what we were going to do on July 12. Go to the wedding we were originally planning on …
The last two days have been really hard. Your dad and I just cry. It has been hard for us, but we only had to grieve for ourselves. Ava is now starting to have a hard time too. She misses you. You two were really starting to play together. You would follow her around everywhere …
Dear Evelyn, It’s been one month since your little heart stopped beating. That morning when you crashed so unexpectedly the first time, I still had such great hope. I just knew that when they got your little heart beating again, it was God’s way of saying “No, it’s not your time.” So that is what …
Sweet Evelyn, I miss you. Being away for a few days was nice, but to say we “forgot” would be impossible. We were able to have conversations about you, but stayed so busy we didn’t have time to cry. When we arrived home yesterday, it was a deep, painstaking reality of your memory. Cards, flowers …
It’s Father’s Day today. A day that I thought would be so hard for your Dad, but I’m the one who can’t hold it together. I had to shop for Father’s Day cards yesterday. Of course none of them seem appropriate. Who cares about a Dad’s day where getting to be king of the grill or in control of the remote for a day really matters. I would love more than ever for you to be crying so that Daddy couldn’t watch TV or that you only wanted to be held so that Daddy didn’t have time to grill. I just want you.
We are taking a small trip to “get away” a for a few days. There is, what I am assuming, a 10 month old baby in the seat in front of us. I can’t stop crying. My heart is just aching to hold you in my arms and feel your soft skin against my cheek. I want you to snuggle against my chest as I squeeze you tight. I want you to reach out to me because I am your favorite. I knew that “getting away” wouldn’t make me forget, but I thought not being in the same place and a chance to momentarily let go, would be nice. So far it has backfired. Life without you isn’t the life I want.
Well luckily my loud sobbing and the mass amounts of tears streaming down my face, was enough to make your Daddy start laughing, in a sweet way. I mean, I really do look ridiculous. He knew how to make me start laughing and smiling again and pull me out of my deep sadness. That is why your Daddy is the best and he deserves to have a wonderful Father’s Day.
Yesterday he wrote you a message and sent it up in a balloon. I’m sure you received it by now. 😉 Him and your sister let it go and we watched it for the longest time. It just went straight up and the highest I have even seen a balloon fly. It was as if it was going straight to heaven.
A year ago yesterday, we recorded your heartbeat for Auntie Becky to hear. She wanted to know the rate so she could determine if you were a boy or girl. At this point I was starting to waver. I originally thought you were definitely a boy, but started leaning towards girl at the end. It was mainly because I wanted to use the name Evelyn Sarah.
Ava listening Evy’s heartbeat
Your big sister Ava loved coming to all of your doctor appointments. She would get so excited when the doctor used ‘the doppler’ to hear your heart beat. She would try to imitate the sound – Ba boomp, ba boomp, ba boomp. After you were born, the nurse let Ava hear your heart beat again. She wasn’t as impressed with the stethoscope.
I am so happy we recorded a few of these sessions so I can treasure the sound of your beating heart.
The first time I really felt Evelyn still with me, was the day after her passing. That morning I had picked out a verse from the funeral home to use on the back of the prayer cards. Most of the poems did not fit Evelyn. They talked about long lives and feeling tired. My Evelyn was only here for 10 months. Not near enough time to relate to the majority of the poems. The first poem I came across that seemed fitting, I picked. I snapped a picture of it and didn’t think much more.
A few hours later, my dear friend Angie Myers came over to give me hugs. We were standing on my front stoop. The smallest breeze touched my left cheek. The breeze didn’t last long but the sensation did. I instantly told her to wait while I grabbed my phone. I came back out and read the sweet poem I had picked out hours earlier.
“I shall always be near you:
In the gladdest days
And in the darkest nights…
Always, always, and
if there be a soft breeze
Upon your cheek,
It shall be my breath”
I held my cheek as I sobbed reading the poem. Never when I picked out the poem did I think of her being in the breeze. It just happened. Not any other breeze has given me that same sensation. It was the most wonderful gift she could have given me. I just new it was her. I always held her on my left side and she would cuddle up to my left cheek.
It has been three weeks but I can still feel that sensation on my cheek. Whenever I am really missing her, I just place my hand on my left cheek and I feel so close to her. She knew what I needed that day. It hadn’t even been 24 hours. She came to me in my darkest day just to let me know she was ok and will always be near.
Evelyn I am so proud of you. I knew you had bigger plans for us than your life here on earth. Or at least I threatened God that you better have bigger plans! I hear from so many people the lives you are touching and the little miracles you are creating. You truly are a blessing. Your great grandma has reconnected with her grandson, your cousin Bridget is having more family dinners, Kelly is having Evylutions and living her life to the fullest. If everyone is holding their children tighter, giving extra kisses and living their lives simpler in honor of you, then it makes me so proud to be your mom. Today, we had a lot going on and everything ran over, but we were in no rush and were just able to simply enjoy our day.
This evening I went to a mass and one song just really touched me. This is the verse that really caught my attention:
“When I wake up in the land of Glory,
And with the Saints I will tell my Story,
There will be one name that I proclaim”
Your story will continue to unveil itself throughout my life. My goal is to share it with the world.
Here is the full song. I have a feeling this will be the new song Ava and I will be singing.
Evelyn, It’s 4:35 AM and I can’t sleep. This is my first night since you passed that I haven’t been able to sleep. Your sister has been sleeping restlessly, therefore it is hard for me to sleep. I started watching TV so my mind never wondered to you until I was falling back asleep. Flashes of you in …