Dear Evy:

promising to live a happy and simpler life in honor of my evelyn

Sweet girl, life is so unexpected. The more I tried to control everything, the more it fell apart. Three years ago this Labor Day weekend, we had survived three months without you. We had so many mixed emotions. We were still grieving and trying to navigate the new normal. But we had a glimmer of hope. I was pregnant. It was the hope me and your daddy needed. Something positive.

We found out very early and scheduled our first doctors appointment immediately. We were eager to see pictures of our little poppy seed. We planned on waiting until 12 weeks to share with family and friends while we navigated our emotions. We didn’t want anyone to think that this was a replacement of you or that this would make everything ok. We even had a few people tell us they couldn’t imagine us having anymore kids. So we felt waiting seemed best.

We secretly went to our first doctors appointment. The pregnancy test was positive and the OB doctor asked if we wanted to take a peek on the monitor. Of course! We instantly saw our little peanut on the screen and a little beating heart. The excitement and joy that filled us in that moment was a breath of fresh air. We needed this. But she saw something else. The ultrasound tech wasn’t on staff that day so the doctor wasn’t sure what the other little shape was that we were seeing. She wasn’t sure if it was another little baby, a twin, that didn’t make it. There was no heartbeat. We were instantly a little nervous, but tried not to concentrate to much on it since we weren’t sure. We wanted to stay in our joyous state.

Labor Day weekend was upon us. We had a surprise anniversary party to attend, a co-workers cookout, preparations for your first run, Evy’s 10K, and our Celebrate Evy shirts were ready to be picked up. Not to mention the excitement of the baby growing in my belly. After work on Friday, your daddy and I dressed up for the anniversary party. After putting my dress on, I had a sharp pain in my side. The quick, sharp jab made me sit for a second, but I moved on quickly and we headed to the party.

If only I knew that our joy would be so short lived. That getting our hopes up so fast was irresponsible. We had no control over this. We had no control over your life Evy, and we had no control over this 7 week, 1 day year old growing baby in my belly. The bright red blood that I saw, quickly dashed our hopes. We left the party. I couldn’t be there. I needed to be back home. Home in my bed and in the covers that wrapped me the last three months that I cried for you.

Your daddy scoured the internet looking for hope that this wasn’t a miscarriage. It was of course Labor Day weekend. This was Friday and we would have to wait until Tuesday to see the doctor. He begged me to call the OB doctor on our way home. We didn’t have her number personally, but through our work database. I didn’t feel comfortable using the number. He wanted to go to the hospital, but again, I felt there was nothing that could be done. You daddy was desperately hoping something could be done to save this baby.

As the weekend progressed, cramping began. We tried to fake smiles as we attended the rest of the weekend’s activities. We told a few immediate family members and a very few close friends of our uncertain future of the very fragile baby. But Tuesday morning confirmed our fears. The picture on the ultrasound showed a swirling of blood with no little peanut heartbeat. 7 weeks and 5 days I carried the little peanut. I was tearful but not distraught. I was numb. Two children gone in 3 months. I was already in the infant loss club and now I had a membership to join the miscarriage club. These clubs are never wanted, but more of a cage your momma got placed in with no escape.

We hardly told anyone. We couldn’t handle any more sympathy. We couldn’t handle any more tears shed for us. I felt we would be looked at with sad puppy faces. Even the few people we did tell, some cried and asked how God could do this to us. They asked questions that I couldn’t possibly know the answer to and were not helpful. I didn’t know why this happened and I was desperately trying to navigate a relationship with God and having others doubt Him, didn’t help. I was refusing to be angry at God, but I was in turn getting angry with others. I was mad when people would talk about their petty problems of fantasy football. I was angry when someone was complaining about wanting a newer car for vein reasons. I wanted to scream. I had lost all compassion. This was my form of grieving. It was messy and not pretty. Your momma was losing her strength.

Where was God? I needed Him and was lost. I had trouble at first finding Him. But as I look back, He was there. He was holding me and grieving with me. He was in my friend Christy. The day of the severe contractions and miscarriage, she brought ice cream to our house. She didn’t know anything about the pregnancy or the miscarriage but showed up. Your grandma said sweet words that I will never forget. She said this baby had a soul and would be your soulmate Evy. Neither of you would be alone and would have each other. It was an image I needed to hear and visualize. God was there in a friend that shared about her miscarriage months ago. Through her telling me the details, I was better prepared to handle mine. God knew my needs and He met them. Some were in preparation of  what was to come, others the day of and during the next few weeks. He held your momma just like He was holding you sweet girl. He was there in the sorrow and the pain.

He also helped me restore my compassion along with correcting my jealousy. They went hand in hand. I was jealous that fantasy football was someone’s biggest problem. I wanted to go back to those days where the world seemed like it was ending because I didn’t get something I wanted or thought I needed. But God healed my heart. I had changed and I couldn’t expect others around me to change. Their children were still living and mine were not. You were gone and your little soulmate. But as I continued on this walk with Jesus, He has restored my hope. When I put my hope into things outside of Jesus, my dreams will surely be crushed. I now have my eyes on the one who can only hold my dreams. If I keep my trust in Him, He will put the right people, the right verse, the right road to travel to meet my needs. He is faithful and has proven this to me over and over. This is why I can say I’m truly blessed. I put my hope in Him.

I love you my darling dear and my love will find you wherever you are.

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