There are sometimes when I’m between sleep and awake where my mind will wonder. This instance, in particular, I was thinking of taking your sister to Kings Island. I stood by watching her having so much fun on all the kiddie roller coasters. She had a huge smile on her face. I was smiling watching her and looked at you in my arms. You were smiling too and flapping your little arms and legs in excitement and she flew past.
This is when my mind went straight to the abrupt reality. This will never happen. This is only a dream or wishful thinking. You are no longer in my arms and will never be again on earth. It leaves my stomach in knots and tears streaming down my face. The reality is truly heartbreaking because it is hope and dream that is not reachable. I just want you so bad to fill this emptiness. During the day, sadness is more easily remedied with work, Ava, or just life. At night, I only have my thoughts. Why at night with the darkness, it just seems to be filled with less hope. Crushed dreams.
In my weak moment, right now, I can feel a slight tingle on my cheek. The left side that I would hold you on. You are present and calming me with every little breath. It brings sweet sadness, but suppresses my thoughts that could lead me to a darker deeper anger. I am so thankful of this feeling. Sweet Evelyn you are so missed but thank you for staying near to help me to survive. I hope this feeling will continue to be present the rest of my life. You give me so much strength and make it so much easier to celebrate your life instead of to miss it with great heartache.