All days are hard. Some are just harder than others. The day’s that I cry more than once are the harder. Usually my tears come in the morning, when I’m alone or driving. If I cry throughout the day too, usually it is because of a certain memory or thought of you brings on the tears again. Tonight I was looking for pictures to post on Facebook for Grandparent’s Day. While I love looking at your photos, sometimes it just makes me miss you like crazy. It just is too much to really comprehend that you are gone. No more cuddling, sweet kisses, and Ma ma ma cries. I will cherish those moments always.
So to lighten my sorrows, I thought I would discuss some of the comic relief moments that your father and I share. Some people may think we are losing it, but this is the only way for us to trudge through without losing it. 🙂 On our way home from Children’s Hospital, with an empty carseat, your daddy and I took turns sobbing. We just had to leave you there all by yourself. The nurses had asked us if we had an outfit to put you in, and we didn’t. You had just been in a onesie and it was old and dirty. The majority of the time at the hospital, you were just in your diaper. It made me so sad that I didn’t have any clothes for you. They informed me that we could choose between some outfits that they had in stock.
The outfits were pretty, and we had to go up in size because of all the fluids your little body was holding, but none seemed to be perfect. I pictured you in a pretty white dress. Your daddy pictured you in a hand-me down camo onesie. But I had misunderstood. I thought this was your final outfit. This was just for you to be dressed in and not just in a diaper. More of a comfort for us instead of your body being bare.
But this brings me back to the camo onesie. What? Our precious little baby girl eternally buried in a camo onesie? Really Daddy, that was your first outfit choice? Your sister received it for our baby shower. The only time that you or Ava ever had the camo onesie on was when I wasn’t home and daddy was left to dress you. He would usually add a bow to your hair just so that I allowed the outfit to stay on you. So on our trip home, when one would start sobbing, the other would bring up the camo onesie just to get the other to smile. If I was crying, your Daddy would console me by saying, “It’s ok. Are you upset about the camo? We can still put her in her camo onesie.” And if Daddy was crying I would say, “Keep on crying because we are not putting her in the camo onesie!” I know it sounds silly, but we were holding hands and trying our best to just survive. There is no book on how to handle the situation at that exact moment. Like I have said previously, I never even considered you dying until those last moments. We were not prepared. The camo onesie will forever be our little inside comic relief that we needed in that car ride.
One other moment that we found comic relief, in what most would consider another inappropriate situation, was when reading the autopsy report. After reading the first few pages, Daddy came to check on me. We talked about a few parts and then I asked him if he saw a line that was funny. He said that he found nothing funny about the autopsy report. Well I had to explain to him on the front page as they described you, that there was one line that made me laugh. Ok, so maybe I am going crazy, but I’m allowed. Right?
The line said you were a 10 mo old girl, previously healthy, ect. Hair is blonde, sparse and short. What!?! How dare they said you had sparse hair! It was filling in nicely! I just found it so funny that they used the word sparse. Your Daddy laughed too and agreed that he had noticed that word. To others, nothing about my sparse-haired baby in a camo onesie sounds funny, but to us, it’s everything. We need these comic relief moments to keep us sane. Just thinking about these moments has changed my mood around and I can now smile while thinking of you. That is all we really want – to simply smile when we think our happy thoughts about you. Love you dearly sweet girl!