Sweet Evelyn, I feel most times I start to write because I am having a rough time. Your autopsy results I received this week have left me in a fog. The findings didn’t make sense and had me asking a lot of questions like “How?”. I sometimes get angry thinking that I can’t believe no one realized how sick you really were or why the doctors didn’t do more test. But getting angry doesn’t get me anywhere. It doesn’t bring you back to me. I am sad, I am lonely and I am grieving. But anger, it just leads me to a darker place. Some people tell me to feel every emotion that I stumble across. Angry just isn’t a good fit for me. I made a promise to you – to be happy and to live my life with joy and love.
I have a choice every day. I can be angry and think why and how did this happened, or I can think of you with love and the joy your life brought to me. I’m not saying that the love and joy won’t make me shed tears. I won’t always be smiling. But I have a choice. Everyday I have a choice. Thinking of my promise to you helps me strive to be happy. Not a fake happy with a smile plastered on my face, but a true happy from the deep love that I have for you. I choose you. I choose to be positive. I choose to honor you. I choose to live, but with you as my guiding light and your memory forever in my heart.
I just love you so much.