Dear Evy:

promising to live a happy and simpler life in honor of my evelyn

Yesterday morning was awful. I hadn’t slept well. When I finally went back to sleep at 5am I had dreams of you. My dreams were so vivid until I woke. I tried to remember what they were but I could only remember pieces. I didn’t know if you were alive in my dreams or if it was reality and we were just thinking of you like always. I just know that when I woke my heart felt like there was a huge hole, yet my chest felt so heavy at the same time. The reality of you not being here was so painful. I just wanted to scream and cry and hold you in my arms. I wanted you back in your crib waking me at 6am screaming MA MA MA MA instead of my heart screaming in pain. I wanted my mommy’s girl. I felt so empty. I knew I had to go to work but yet staying at home didn’t sound any easier. I wanted to be back to sleep with no dreams and no thoughts of reality.

But you not in my arms is the reality. So as I sat in self pity, I tried to remember you with joy and count my blessings. I am just so lucky that I do not have to be in this reality alone. I can not get over the amount of letters, cards and outpouring of love that I constantly and consistently get each week. This is what brings me so much hope. I need hope to get through each day. And I need you to keep your presence strong so that you can keep me calm and give me strength.

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”

-Romans 5:3-5

So today is a new day. I hope to have my heart filled with the Holy Spirit and your breath upon my cheek. I’m already smiling thinking of the hope I have for today! Thank you sweet girl.

strength in grief

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