I need your help Evelyn. I had my Christmas game plan, 25 Days of Kindness, and was on the road to my simple stress free Christmas. The last two days it has all fallen apart. I’m a mess.
Where did it all begin to unravel? Did the lady who asked if I was the one who lost my baby start my mess? Or was it her response after I said yes, I lost my sweet baby. Her reply, “Well, you look like you are doing really good.” Those words haven’t left my mind. How am I supposed to take that? Should I be happy that I let myself have some joy and it is showing to others? Or am I supposed to look like a mess all the time so that people can see physically my broken heart? I’m not sure but as soon as she said those words it stirred anger and sadness deep inside me. I felt like I betrayed you Evelyn. That people are seeing me happy and think that I have gotten “over it”. That time can heal. If people see me out and I’m happy that I have moved on. Am I supposed to be a hot mess of tears and uncontrollable emotions at all times so that people can see how much I miss you and that my heart aches for you?
Is it just a compilation of things building? As I was writing my Day 3 of 25 Days of Kindness, it brought me right back to the first day you were gone. I couldn’t even finish writing. The tears just wouldn’t stop. I wanted to thank people so much for all their kindness, but it seemed I started to relive each day like it just happened. It’s just like the thank you cards for flowers, donations and support. I was able to send out a few thank you cards, but most have never received one. It’s so hard to thank someone in writing. The only reason I am thanking them for their kindness is because you died. I have about 230 to send and only have sent 25. It’s so hard. Its much easier saying thank you with a hug than words.
I was Christmas shopping with my Mom yesterday. I know she was hoping to get some more shopping done but knew I wasn’t much in the mood. She needed ideas for me. But once at the store and looking at all the “things” and “objects”, I just don’t want anything tangible. We talk about you all the time to your sister to keep your memory alive. But on the way home from our busted shopping trip, Ava asked when you were coming back home from Heaven and that she just wanted you here with us. How am I supposed to answer that when I feel the same way.
I always feel better after writing to you. I hope that getting this off my chest will pull me out of my darkness. Last weeks church service was about Christmas and how the birth of Jesus was a light in complete darkness. There was so much darkness, but Jesus is the light. So I’m putting all my eggs in one basket and counting on you, Jesus, to pull me out and into the light again. As my friend on Facebook said, “Christ is Christmas.” So how can we not celebrate?