Hello sweet girl. It is so much easier to live a simple and happy life when the sun is shining! I am so happy that spring is here and that I can move past the winter blues. The winter was just so depressing and the new baby on the way was making me so sick that it was hard to stay positive and make sense of things. I found myself asking “Why?” and I had never asked that before.
My questioning God didn’t have to do with just your death, but it had more to do with the many miracles I was hearing all around me. Miracles are wonderful and joyous, but it made me long for a miracle that I felt never came. There were numerous accounts of babies and infants that were really sick this winter and the diagnosis were unknown at first. My heart ached for these parents when I would hear of their babies being sick and in the hospital. I didn’t want any parent to go through what me and your dad went through. I didn’t even want them to have to sit in the hospital with that feeling of helplessness and unknowing. I prayed and prayed for these families and their babies. I prayed for the parents to have strength and faith. I prayed for the doctors that they could work through God and make these babies healthy again.
Each of these babies that I prayed for, returned home with their loving and thankful families. Now, I am by no means saying that it was my prayers that brought these babies back home. What I am saying is that when each of these little miracle babies came home, it left me asking God “Why? Why not our little Evelyn?” Why couldn’t you Evelyn be our little miracle baby. We would have sang God’s praises and learned life lessons, but with you here in our arms.
I had never asked God why until this winter. I hated feeling that way, but being pregnant and winter blues, it was my honest feeling. But as my pregnancy nausea faded and the sun begins to the shine, I remember that all babies are miracles from God. You too were a miracle Evelyn. I was lucky enough to carry you for 9 months in my womb and 10 months in my arms. I wouldn’t trade that for the world or give up the chance to have had those memories.
Today as the sun was shining down, I remembered a passage that a dear friend sent me that seems quite fitting for my why days.
We were comforted by a wonderful nun’s insight. She said that life is like a tapestry that is large, beautiful and intricate. However, on this earth we see the tapestry only from the back. We see dark colors, chaos and loose threads that seem to go nowhere. Nothing in the tapestry seems to make sense, much less beauty. It is only when we die that God turns the tapestry around and we can finally see the amazing result. God is able to bring good out of the evil we see or experience.
Trusting in him during heartrending times allows his love and graces to comfort and inspire us as we continue our lives, still connected to our loved ones in God’s great community of love.
How true are those words! Just what I needed to read to set myself on the path of feeling God’s great love. I had been dreading yesterday’s date of you being gone the same amount of time that you were here. But God has given me peace and serenity during my times of heartache to continue to look at the positive and celebrate your little life and the big impact that it is making. What joy you bring me Evelyn!