Dear Evy:

I am having such a hard time today. Not sure if it’s because I reminded so much of you from last year or if it’s because I’m struggling with the meaning of Easter. Who would have thought that the pictures I took of you of the joyous Easter Sunday last year, would be used for your obituary? There are so many bible quotes that I have began to love and that help me get through each day. But as Easter is approaching, there are many that just don’t sit well with me.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.” John 10:10-11

Jesus gave his life so that we might have life. Why didn’t you get an abundant life? Why didn’t you get to live? I know abundant doesn’t mean long, it means full. But 10 months isn’t full. You needed your momma’s love and care for longer than 10 months.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.”  John 3:16-17

I feel like I have been condemned. You might have eternal life but you have perished from my side. I feel like my sins were not forgiven by Jesus dying on the cross. That I am still being punished and having to relive the torture of my sins daily because you are not here.

Grief is ugly. I hate the days that it takes over and I can’t see the blessings God has given me. I just see the ugly. It’s easier when I recognize these days so that I can be open to how God will change my perspective during the day. He uses the people he has placed in my life, new bible quotes to help me understand, and God Winks to restore my faith and hope.

As the sun comes up today, I hope my ugly grief perishes with the darkness and I can truly accept the real meaning of today and know that because of Jesus’s death and resurrection that I will one day see you again.