Dear Evy:

Well Evelyn, I would like to say you have been the center of our world for the last year and a half since your departure to Heaven, but your new sister is trying really hard to keep your momma busy. Between the horrible nausea and fatigue during pregnancy and the nightly nursing and lack of sleep since the birth, I have not had a chance to even think about writing. Luckily I use instagram as my mini blog to get me through all of my emotions!

There is so much I have wanted to say, but introducing your sister to the world is first on my list. Welcome little baby sister Alayna Grace! I couldn’t have been more happy during delivery when your daddy said, “It’s a Girl!” Oh I was so so happy. I hoped so much for another little girl. God is good and he blessed us with sweet baby Alayna.

You were with us the whole time. Not only did I feel your presence, but we took your framed picture and one of our Evy Bears that is made out of your clothes. I wanted them in the delivery room so if needed, I could look to you to give me strength. As they passed your sister to me, I had pure happiness in my heart and instant joy. Although, your sister didn’t follow my instructions very well and I needed you for strength. We were supposed to have an hour of skin to skin time unless the nurses felt it was necessary that your new sister would need extra care. Well your sister wanted to do one of those long silent screams and didn’t want to inhale. She came out kinda blue was turning purple. They were trying to work on her while she was laying on my chest, but she wasn’t really taking any breaths. Maybe she didn’t get the memo, but I checked the box for breathing, perfect baby! No scares, no concerns, just perfect. I finally said, “you can take her!” so that they could get her back to perfect and I could live out my pure joy feeling.

The nurses took Alayna and sucked out goop and was checking her heart rate and kept saying numbers. My OB kept reassuring me that those numbers were good and had a wonderful smile on her face. She was probably overplaying it due to my slightly panicked face. The nurses never panicked and were very serious because they were doing their job wonderfully. But I wasn’t looking at Alayna, I was watching one nurse in particular to see her facial expression so closely to see if it ever strayed to panic. But it didn’t. This all happened probably under 1 minute but felt like I was counting minutes and wondering how many brain cells were being lost as my baby didn’t want to inhale.

This is all very common I am sure, but again, I wanted perfect. So finally they handed me back my sweet, non purple, baby. I was filled with so many emotions. Tears streamed down my face as my heart was filling with instant love for this new little baby, but yet it was bittersweet. I wanted you to be there in the flesh to see this new little sister of yours. I could picture them handing you to me the exact same way. It had barely been over two years since I was in that same hospital feeling a connection to you that I have never felt before.

You have taught me to embrace every moment. So those first few minutes of holding your sister, I just stared at her little squished up face. She resembled both you and Ava, but definitely had her own distinct look. She is already six weeks old. It’s crazy how fast she is growing up. But your Daddy and I are very clear on one point. When other people say, “Oh they grow up too fast” or other sayings of that nature, we just simply want her to grow up. Yes it might happen fast and we might blink and another year has gone by, but that is another year that she is in our arms and we are getting to watch her grow. With you, it stopped too soon. We can only dream that we could blink and you would already be two and walking around with your big sister and trying to help out with your little sister. But even though that will never happen, you can not be replaced, you will always be loved, and you will always be mommy’s girl. Oh how I miss you.