Dear Evy:

promising to live a happy and simpler life in honor of my evelyn

The last two days have been really hard. Your dad and I just cry. It has been hard for us, but we only had to grieve for ourselves. Ava is now starting to have a hard time too. She misses you. You two were really starting to play together. You would follow her around everywhere and insisted on playing with her sippy cups and wanted to sit on the Mickey couch right next to her. You would crawl up next to her and wiggle your butt to turn around and sit. It would always land right on her face. She would always say, “Oh Evy.” It was so funny to watch you two play.

Ava was so proud that you were her baby sister. She would say “That’s my baby sister.” At first she wasn’t upset when we explained to her that you were no longer going to be with us; that you would be an Angel in heaven. She moved right along in asking if she could have a baby brother. She didn’t understand. We were happy that she didn’t have to be sad too. But as the weeks have gone on, she seems to really be understanding that you aren’t coming back.

Ava has her Guardian Angel Evy bear, her Evy Angel pin, and her Evy necklace. She likes to have one of them with her. We thought we lost her Evy Angel pin when we went on vacation last week. We stopped by the same rest stop on the way home to check. No luck. Ava was so upset. Luckily when we came back home it was in the middle of her room.

Ava went to the zoo with her Godmother. Out of the blue she said that we had to pray for you. That you are now with the Father. But she also said that she was sad and that she misses you. That she keeps looking for you and can’t find you. It broke my heart to hear that. It was bad enough trying to live without you, but to hear your sister say those words has made me so sad. I don’t want Ava to be sad. I always said that you two would be best friends. Please be her Guardian Angel and look after her. Keep close to her so that she can feel you near. Share in her good times and help her through her difficult days. Keep her spirits high and fill her heart with the joy that you two shared.

IMG_0522 Dear Evy

 

Dear Evelyn, It’s been one month since your little heart stopped beating.  That morning when you crashed so unexpectedly the first time, I still had such great hope. I just knew that when they got your little heart beating again, it was God’s way of saying “No, it’s not your time.” So that is what I held on to the rest of the day.

After you passed, friends changed my story to say that you saw a glimpse of heaven and wanted more. That is nice, but I really wanted my version to be true.

At 10:58 PM on May 21, 2014 you became an Angel.  And not to be biased, but I bet you are the prettiest little Angel 😉  Love you Evelyn Sarah.

Sweet Evelyn, I miss you. Being away for a few days was nice, but to say we “forgot” would be impossible. We were able to have conversations about you, but stayed so busy we didn’t have time to cry. When we arrived home yesterday, it was a deep, painstaking reality of your memory. Cards, flowers and food still line our countertops. We LOVE all the community support, but in reality, the reason we have all of this kind of support is because you are gone.

Our vacations we had planned for this summer are hard to think about, because you were apart of those plans. We cringed to think how you were going to do in the car with your sister for an 8 hour drive. We would gladly take those 8 hours of uncertainty now. I still have open tabs on my laptop for our trip to Michigan. I was in the process of booking hotels before you became sick. Room Reservations: 2 Adults 2 Kids.

All the distractions and mini vacations are great, but reality is always waiting. The truth that you aren’t going to be here physically with me is heart breaking. Imagining you in Heaven is the only thing that really brings a smile to my face when thinking about your death. Uncle Rocky’s poem makes me think of Jesus tucking you in at night. You have no idea how much comfort that image brings me.

One new image came this week from two different people. A new family that has been helping us so much through our grieving process sent me a text message of their son’s conversation. They too lost their daughter at only 4 months.

Noah [their son] asked me what I think Ellie is doing tonight. I said probably watching you swim. He said what do you think she does all day? He says, “Play with her angel friends like Evy?”

A day later when we came home from our mini vacation, we had cards waiting. A little pocket poem was in one of the cards. The first paragraph was all I was able to read:

There’s a corner up in Heaven, where the little babies play,
and our Blessed Mother watches all throughout the live-long day.
They’re a happy lot, these babies; sure the reason’s very plain,
for they’ve missed the world’s contagion; came unscathed without its pain.

What wonderful images to keep me smiling. I can only imagine you kicking your legs and flinging your arms like you do when you would get so excited. The images do not replace the thought of you really being with me, but they do help. If we didn’t have all the wonderful community to take the time to send us little poems, their thoughts, their kind words, then I wouldn’t have these wonderful images.

Love you Evelyn, sleep tight.

Watched the sunset over the lake tonight.

Watched the sunset over the lake tonight.

 

Dear Evy: Today is a day for your Daddy

June 15, 2014


It’s Father’s Day today. A day that I thought would be so hard for your Dad, but I’m the one who can’t hold it together. I had to shop for Father’s Day cards yesterday. Of course none of them seem appropriate. Who cares about a Dad’s day where getting to be king of the grill or in control of the remote for a day really matters. I would love more than ever for you to be crying so that Daddy couldn’t watch TV or that you only wanted to be held so that Daddy didn’t have time to grill. I just want you.

We are taking a small trip to “get away” a for a few days. There is, what I am assuming, a 10 month old baby in the seat in front of us. I can’t stop crying. My heart is just aching to hold you in my arms and feel your soft skin against my cheek. I want you to snuggle against my chest as I squeeze you tight. I want you to reach out to me because I am your favorite. I knew that “getting away” wouldn’t make me forget, but I thought not being in the same place and a chance to momentarily let go, would be nice. So far it has backfired. Life without you isn’t the life I want.

Well luckily my loud sobbing and the mass amounts of tears streaming down my face, was enough to make your Daddy start laughing, in a sweet way. I mean, I really do look ridiculous. He knew how to make me start laughing and smiling again and pull me out of my deep sadness. That is why your Daddy is the best and he deserves to have a wonderful Father’s Day.

Yesterday he wrote you a message and sent it up in a balloon. I’m sure you received it by now. 😉 Him and your sister let it go and we watched it for the longest time. It just went straight up and the highest I have even seen a balloon fly. It was as if it was going straight to heaven.

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Dear Evy: A year ago yesterday

June 13, 2014


A year ago yesterday, we recorded your heartbeat for Auntie Becky to hear. She wanted to know the rate so she could determine if you were a boy or girl. At this point I was starting to waver. I originally thought you were definitely a boy, but started leaning towards girl at the end. It was mainly because I wanted to use the name Evelyn Sarah.

June’s Heartbeat

April’s Heartbeat

Ava listening Evy’s heartbeat

Your big sister Ava loved coming to all of your doctor appointments. She would get so excited when the doctor used ‘the doppler’ to hear your heart beat. She would try to imitate the sound – Ba boomp, ba boomp, ba boomp. After you were born, the nurse let Ava hear your heart beat again. She wasn’t as impressed with the stethoscope.

I am so happy we recorded a few of these sessions so I can treasure the sound of your beating heart.


June 13, 2014

God Wink #1

The first time I really felt Evelyn still with me, was the day after her passing. That morning I had picked out a verse from the funeral home to use on the back of the prayer cards. Most of the poems did not fit Evelyn. They talked about long lives and feeling tired. My Evelyn was only here for 10 months. Not near enough time to relate to the majority of the poems. The first poem I came across that seemed fitting, I picked. I snapped a picture of it and didn’t think much more.

A few hours later, my dear friend Angie Myers came over to give me hugs. We were standing on my front stoop. The smallest breeze touched my left cheek. The breeze didn’t last long but the sensation did. I instantly told her to wait while I grabbed my phone. I came back out and read the sweet poem I had picked out hours earlier.

“I shall always be near you:
In the gladdest days
And in the darkest nights…
Always, always, and
if there be a soft breeze
Upon your cheek,
It shall be my breath”

I held my cheek as I sobbed reading the poem. Never when I picked out the poem did I think of her being in the breeze. It just happened. Not any other breeze has given me that same sensation. It was the most wonderful gift she could have given me. I just new it was her. I always held her on my left side and she would cuddle up to my left cheek.

It has been three weeks but I can still feel that sensation on my cheek. Whenever I am really missing her, I just place my hand on my left cheek and I feel so close to her. She knew what I needed that day. It hadn’t even been 24 hours. She came to me in my darkest day just to let me know she was ok and will always be near.

Major Sullivan Ballou Prayer Card

Her prayer card and her tiny feet

Dear Evy: You Are Changing Lives

June 12, 2014


Evelyn I am so proud of you. I knew you had bigger plans for us than your life here on earth. Or at least I threatened God that you better have bigger plans! I hear from so many people the lives you are touching and the little miracles you are creating. You truly are a blessing. Your great grandma has reconnected with her grandson, your cousin Bridget is having more family dinners, Kelly is having Evylutions and living her life to the fullest. If everyone is holding their children tighter, giving extra kisses and living their lives simpler in honor of you, then it makes me so proud to be your mom. Today, we had a lot going on and everything ran over, but we were in no rush and were just able to simply enjoy our day.

This evening I went to a mass and one song just really touched me. This is the verse that really caught my attention:
“When I wake up in the land of Glory,
And with the Saints I will tell my Story,
There will be one name that I proclaim”

Your story will continue to unveil itself throughout my life. My goal is to share it with the world.

 

Here is the full song. I have a feeling this will be the new song Ava and I will be singing.

Evelyn, It’s 4:35 AM and I can’t sleep. This is my first night since you passed that I haven’t been able to sleep. Your sister has been sleeping restlessly, therefore it is hard for me to sleep. I started watching TV so my mind never wondered to you until I was falling back asleep. Flashes of you in the hospital were surfacing. It’s heart wrenching. I try to focus on you when you were happy and healthy, but I feel I can only see you in the pictures that I took. Real memories seem to be escaping me. Is it because I have been looking at your pictures so much lately? Am I already forgetting real memories? It has only been three weeks but every image that I am picturing of you in my mind is from an actual picture I took. I want real moments. Moments that weren’t captured by the camera.

I’m hoping that I’m just too tired to search my thoughts that deep. Hopefully by morning live video of real memories will be streaming through my mind. That is all I have left. I don’t want to lose those too.

Sweet Evelyn, I feel most times I start to write because I am having a rough time. Your autopsy results I received this week have left me in a fog. The findings didn’t make sense and had me asking a lot of questions like “How?”. I sometimes get angry thinking that I can’t believe no one realized how sick you really were or why the doctors didn’t do more test. But getting angry doesn’t get me anywhere. It doesn’t bring you back to me. I am sad, I am lonely and I am grieving. But anger, it just leads me to a darker place. Some people tell me to feel every emotion that I stumble across. Angry just isn’t a good fit for me. I made a promise to you – to be happy and to live my life with joy and love.

I have a choice every day. I can be angry and think why and how did this happened, or I can think of you with love and the joy your life brought to me. I’m not saying that the love and joy won’t make me shed tears. I won’t always be smiling. But I have a choice. Everyday I have a choice. Thinking of my promise to you helps me strive to be happy. Not a fake happy with a smile plastered on my face, but a true happy from the deep love that I have for you. I choose you. I choose to be positive. I choose to honor you. I choose to live, but with you as my guiding light and your memory forever in my heart.

I just love you so much.

 

Waking up Monday gave me new hope. Evelyn had a whole night of getting fluids and was in the best of hands. A whole team of doctors and nurses came in that morning to do rounds. She was still lethargic but was eating 2 – 3 oz every 2 hours. The day before, she didn’t want to eat anything and would only sleep. But seeing her holding her bottle and eating some applesauce was great. This was finally some signs of her improving, or so I thought. They called our hospital in Dearborn County once again to make sure nothing was growing on the cultures from Friday. Again, negative.

Eveyln Sarah Legge Eveyln Sarah Legge

Evelyn Sarah LeggeShe was no longer vomiting, but still had the sever diarrhea and high fever. She would sleep between feedings. This was the 5th day of high temps. The doctors said that the viral stomach bug could take 5 days to run its course. Well today was day 5 so I was ready for it to be gone.

The nurse would come in every hour to check her IV and to weigh her diapers. She was still having diarrhea so they couldn’t tell if she was having any wet diapers. [To fast forward a bit, the answer was no. Her kidney’s had shut down, but that wasn’t discovered until Wednesday.]

They took her off fluids at 2:00pm and did a heel prick. Those were always torture for Evelyn. They couldn’t get much blood and would just squeeze and squeeze her tiny little heel. After the nurse did that, she came back in to let us know that they didn’t want the blood drawn until 5:00. She said she would keep this blood just incase they could use it at 5:00 instead of redoing it.

I’m not a medical professional, but I could figure out that answer. NO. Obviously the doctors wanted to check her levels after 3 hours of no fluids to see where she stood. Since she wasn’t getting any more fluids, the nurse didn’t have to check on her every hour. We were expecting to go home because we hadn’t heard anything else. She came back in at 5:00 and did another heel prick. She said it wouldn’t take long to get the results. We didn’t hear back from her. Evelyn had explosive diarrhea that went everywhere. She had poop on her bandages for the IV and bed. We called the nurses station and someone came and changed the bed.

At 7:30 another set of nurses came in to do a heel prick. We informed them that this would be the third time and we hadn’t even heard the results from the 5:00 test. They checked into their order before pricking her again. Well, one of Eveyln’s levels were ‘critical’ so they were retesting her Co2 levels in a more accurate way. Those levels came back fine. For a moment I thought we might finally get to go home.

A PCA came in at 8:00 just to check on things. She noticed the poop all over Evelyn’s bandage and started asking us some questions. We told her that our nurse went a little MIA. During the day I felt Evelyn was really improving, but during all the last heel pricks, she just laid there and didn’t make a peep. The last hours had went by so fast but I really didn’t feel that she was improving anymore. The PCA didn’t think Evelyn seemed well either and was asking us if she was this lethargic all day and how serious the diarrhea had been.

The PCA instantly started checking her over and said she was going to get the Charge Nurse. They called the team of doctors backEvelyn Sarah Legge in the room.  They said Evelyn was still dehydrated and that her pH was low. I asked if that meant we were staying another night. They responded yes and that we would be moving to ICU, but that was just so that she would get better care. They said in ICU they would be able to monitor her levels more closely and that she would have a better nurse / patient ratio. They called the VAT team in to put in a larger IV in her arm.

We felt secure that she would get more attention in ICU. We could not thank the PCA enough for getting Evelyn the attention that she needed. She was amazing and are so thankful. The sooner they got her levels normal, the sooner we could go home. Everyone thought that by Tuesday afternoon that she could be back in this same room.

My parents came up that night to bring Adam and I some clothes. They were able to see her for just a few minutes in ICU because it was way past visiting hours. We had them bring only one change of clothes because we really thought by morning she would be better.